what he would have specified...

[chhotii]

Some of this is about what he would have wanted. Some of this he wouldn't have been picky about, but it's what I wish, and compatible with what he would have wished.

1) There should be NO OPEN CASKET. I'm unclear on the gory details. That there are gory details to be unclear about means that Rich is not, uh, looking his best these days. I know that morticians, to accommodate the bizarre wishes of many families to have an open casket, have become quite the artists with the makeup etc. to basically build a manikin of the person around the remains. IMHO the results always look creepy. I don't anticipate any argument from his family on this; there were no open caskets for Juliet and Susan, although perhaps the argument there was that even greater miracles would be required from the mortician.

2) CREMATION. I'm not sure that we had any serious in-depth discussion on this point. But Rich did not believe that his self would be tied in any way to his body after death, and thus was not picky on this issue. I think he would have gone for this as being the practical and convenient for the family choice. This is my preference, and clearly his family will have no issue with that-- both Juliet and Susan were cremated.

3) DO NOT HAVE THE MEMORIAL SERVICE IN THE CATHOLIC CHURCH. (Or any other church.) Sure, Rich's family was ethnically Catholic, but he had serious philosophical disagreements with the Catholic church. I don't care how cool the new pope is; not enough movement, fast enough. Susan's funeral was in the Church, and Rich was just appalled.
This might be an issue.
OK, if the family really, really, really fights me on this, then maybe, just maybe, we could do it in the B.C. High chapel, IF (some big serious important if's here) the priest is some super-open-minded liberal Jesuit who's OK with all kinds of weird music at the service, if he swears, absolutely, that the service will be All About Rich, not about Jesus. I'm not sure if even a Jesuit can shut up about Jesus, though.
Hmmm.
Is there some weird, secular, temple-like setting were one might have a funeral, without Jesus, but enough of a spiritual vibe that his family is fooled into thinking he had religion? Who runs the service in such a setting-- the funeral director? (Lucky me, I haven't attended a whole lot of funerals in my life.)

4) Somebody should spread his ashes on the Playa during Burning Man, I guess. I think he would like that best. Although, he didn't really care that much. Nor do I. And his family would probably have a cow about this. Well, if it's so important, I guess Matt can keep his brother in a box on the mantle, or whatever, if it's so important to him. (But, somebody does need to hang both Rich's and Juliet's pictures in The Temple, at least. Volunteers?)

5) I think a bunch of people can each say a few words at the memorial service. Walter can talk about how important music was to Rich; Matt, about how strong Rich was; Phil could tell some hilarious story involving elevators at MIT or something. Somebody, Mish maybe, could talk about the new, Burning-Man Rich.

6) Given how important music was in Rich's life, and how talented his family and friends are, there should be some diverse, live music at the memorial service. The offerings could be kind if weird for a memorial service, but off-beat would be fitting for Rich.

So... I have never organized such a thing before. Juliet's father organized Juliet's memorial service primarily. Matt was probably involved in organizing the stuff for their mother, but it turned out to be cookie-cutter Catholic service (bletch). Once we have a funeral home, we have a funeral director? And they will coordinate with anyone who has a part to contribute to the service? I guess? Hmm, maybe the funeral home in Wilmington is too square to pull this off. Any recommendations? Some place in artistic Somerville?

Comments

[candle-light.livejournal.com]

Re: #3. We went to a memorial service last fall at the Unitarian Universalist Church in Marblehead for an ethnically Jewish man who was an agnostic. Spiritual, very much about Brad, no Jesus stuff at all. So it can be done, if you find the right place.

[tb]

Will be happy to talk to you more about this stuff in person, but for the record you can have any reputable funeral home do just the cremation and set up a memorial service separately. There can be multiple memorial services if the family really wants a Catholic one.

The MIT chapel might be a good place to ask about services. I think they fit the niche of spiritual but not specifically religious.

[quietann.livejournal.com]

I was also going to suggest a UU church.

[persis.livejournal.com]

The MIT chapel is a lovely idea, but it does have space limitations (seats less than 100, IIRC, with standing room for not many more), and I think it would be overwhelmed. Unitarian churches seem to be very open to a variety of types of memorials.

Then there's the reception after, which may also include music and such as well as food and drink. Look for a large hall; churches will let you use their halls if you have the service in their church, places like the masons or an am vet hall will need a member to do the renting. I talked to a lot of places when my mum died two summers ago, and ended up using the house she owned as it was suitable and he first flor was empty. This may totally not be possible for you.

And then there's food; catered or potluck. What to drink, alcoholic or not, open bar or cash... How long? (Mum's went from a 1 pm I think start, with us starting cleaning up around 6 pm.)

Let me know if you need/want help. There are certainly enough of us organizing types in these communities to take some of the burden off you and Rich's family if you want.

[deguspice.livejournal.com]

#1: I'm against open caskets. I like to remember the person as a living being.

#3: I recently went to a Catholic funeral (my first) and I found the emphasis on religion to be distracting.

#4: I think Rich would be amused by having his ashes tossed into the wind and getting in to everyone's stuff. (would need to make sure you're on the upwind side of the camp :)

#6: I keep thinking I should listen to the Bela Fleck music in honor of Rich. (It seems like every time I saw him in the past couple of years, Bela Fleck's name came up)

[surrealestate.livejournal.com]

All of this, yes. I think a very large space is needed as a LOT of people will want to come. For music, if it's possible to have the space for it, I think an open jam would be right up his alley (unless things have changed significantly). And it would be a matter of figuring out who are the right few people to take charge of that.

Definitely post about the help you want/need and if there should be a collection taken up to cover costs.

[surrealestate.livejournal.com]

Regarding the playa, I'm pretty sure that would count as MOOP and be frowned upon. I know it may not be currently relevant, but Ted's post on FB reminded me of how much Mt Cardigan used to mean to him. That would be a nice spot that I suspect everyone could agree on, and local enough for all who want to go hike it together for the occasion.

If you want. This is just a suggestion.

[persis.livejournal.com]

It may also be frowned upon on top of Mt. Cardigan, but it is less so than the Playa. FWIW, Mum is fertilizing some blueberry bushes at the top of Monadnock (which is also forbidden... but she really really loved that mountain, and we were very careful to be quiet about it). We went around some rocks out of site of the park volunteer and scattered ashes, paying attention to wind direction.

[ron_newman]

Re:
- Is there some weird, secular, temple-like setting were one might have a funeral, without Jesus, but enough of a spiritual vibe that his family is fooled into thinking he had religion? ... Some place in artistic Somerville?

This place on College Ave. comes to mind -- built as a Unitarian church, later a Masonic temple, now a place full of art. Concerts and yoga classes are held there. I do not know whether it is possible to rent it for a memorial service. Someone made this blog post about it yesterday.

[ceo]

I totally hear you about a church memorial service, Catholic or otherwise. I have sat through too many eulogies given by clergy who had never met the deceased. (Two, but that's two too many.)

[blipvert.livejournal.com]

I would very much like to be involved in the memorial service in any way I can, including saying words if that would be appropriate. Although Rich's life and mine took us in different directions the last few years, he was always my closest and dearest friend.

[lyonesse.livejournal.com]

it's generally in use as a private home.

[ron_newman]

They have a page called Rent our space for events ... but unfortunately all it says is "Coming soon". It's a longshot but possibly worth checking out.

[chhotii.livejournal.com]

Craig, that would be wonderful. Given that you and Rich used to share a brain, I think you would be perfect for saying some words.

[chhotii.livejournal.com]

Oh god no, I saw the inside of that place during SOS and thought it was utterly hideous. And I got the totally wrong vibe about the people who own it.

[spinrabbit.livejournal.com]

I went to a really excellent, spiritual-feeling but non-religious, full of diverse live music funeral at the Armory in Somerville. It was organized by the family and friends, and one of the friends who had enough distance to keep it together led the service. I'm not at all sure how important the space was to how effective that funeral was, but that's what's your #3 brought to mind for me.

*edit* actually it was a memorial service, not technically a funeral -- the remains were not present. Which ties into what tb said.

[miss-chance.livejournal.com]

My own experience with avoiding conflict about where the ashes was that it was easy enough to pour some into each of multiple containers. My sister and I each found small vases with lids in my mom's house (vs paying a grand for something uglier from the funeral home), and then we scattered the rest.

this is all so hard to deal with and I'm very sorry.

[whitebird.livejournal.com]

lyoness, would the Harvard … venue … where the annual holiday show that you and elf and his family took me to be a possible place? (My brain is so fuzzy and vague on details right now, I'm sorry.) I like the feel of it, and it's certainly large enough.

[ron_newman]

Sorry I brought it up, then. I hope you can find a more appropriate venue.

(I think whitebird may be referring to Sanders Theatre at Harvard?)

[lyonesse.livejournal.com]

that's sanders theatre, and i'm afraid reservations for it have to be made during the preceding academic year.

fwiw the link for assorted spaces you can book at harvard is here:
http://www.travel.harvard.edu/cgi-bin/travel/meeting_planning/on_campus_facility_rentals.php

i'd be happy to donate my faculty privileges if they'd be any use. otoh i kind of think rich, as an mit weenie, would sneer at our little liberal-arts school....

[chhotii.livejournal.com]

I'm not picky about whether this would be a "funeral" or "memorial service". My maternal grandmother had only a memorial service because she gave her body to science. It seems like one of the less important details to me.

The Armory would be fantasic, I think. I wonder how booked up it is?

[kimberlogic.livejournal.com]

Would you like one of us to contact the Armory, explain the circumstances and type of gathering you're envisioning and see what availability could be managed?

[(Anonymous)]

That would be GREAT!!! Thank you! I just sent e-mail to the e-mail address on the web page, but, if you know a more direct connection that would be more effective, I'm sure.

--alex

[chhotii.livejournal.com]

That was me saying "That would be GREAT!!! Thank you! I just sent e-mail to the e-mail address on the web page, but, if you know a more direct connection that would be more effective, I'm sure."

[chhotii.livejournal.com]

I do want help, thank you. It would be so easy to talk to a priest say "do a funeral mass, here's the list of family members who can eulogize" but that would be so wrong for Rich. I am talking (or planning to try to talk) to folks who could say a few words about Rich, tell a funny story about him, or play some music. I need a point person whom they could all sign up with, and who would draw up the order of, uh, whatever. So that there is a somewhat organized plan for what happens at the memorial service. I think it will be somewhat self-organizing, but not totally. And I don't want to be totally in charge. The thought of that makes me feel weird, because we had been drifting apart at nearly light-speed. I think this can just grow out of the communities that Rich was involved in, but I think I need to be a seed crystal. (Just because... who else would be? There are people taking charge of pieces of all this, but they seem to be all defering to me, I think.)

Do you want to be that point person, and type up the order of, um, stuff? (Or does another of "us organizing types" want to?)

There are people who were closer to Rich who have asked to help out. Such as Craig. But I think he's the quiet type who would be less happy on the telephone, and some of this needs to be on the phone.

[persis.livejournal.com]

So, I made a reply to this, not realizing I was not logged in... *sigh*

I would be happy to be your point person on this. And I agree that a church mass would just not be right; it is a rare priest or minister who truly knows the person he is eulogizing, and since Rich was part of his church, I think it would be totally inappropriate. Involving lots of people tends to make for very memorable memorials/funerals/celebrations of life.

Perhaps because I am somewhat removed, I can work with you, Craig, and others, to make sure his family, the different communities, and other parts of Rich's life are included. I can certainly do phone and organizing, and making sure there's the sound gear necessary, slide show, whatever we decide to include.

I know you are talking to Matt today, but what time frame are you thinking of? If you can get the Somerville Armory, a reception could be in the same location.

Sending you strength and fortitude, and lots of love and hugs to both you and Sophia.

[chhotii.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Persis.

Well, I would like it to be soon. I might be constrained by availability of the Armory or other venues. I have not gotten word on that.

Re: sound gear: Rich owns absurd piles of sound gear. He also has lots of musically clueful friends who could look at the sound gear and figure out what's what and put it together. We just need to make sure that whoever we delegate this to (his brother? Walter? Paul E.?) doesn't flake out.

I don't know if I want to do the reception in the Armory or at the house. There are advantages and disadvantages of each. Since we do have the house, if the Armory is available for the service but not the reception as well, we could be OK with that.

[kimberlogic.livejournal.com]

Still trying to get answers sooner than tomorrow morning. Will text you asap once I have them …

[(Anonymous)]

actually, you can take ashes to Temple and people do, but once Temple is burned, its ashes (containing other ashes) are contained, scooped, and put in the landfill on monday.

[kimberlogic.livejournal.com]

left another voicemail message this morning. still haven't heard back yet :(
will try email and phone again this afternoon if i don't get a response by 3p.

[tcb.livejournal.com]

I too, am hoping that once there is a date, that I can book appropriate air fare and join everyone, and I would love to say a few words as well. Will coordinate with Persis, but also wanted to say just how very sorry I am for you, for Sophia, for all of us, to be going through this. He was a dear, dear friend.

[drwex]

Just for the record, there's no such thing as an "ethnically" Jewish person.

[candle-light.livejournal.com]

Just for the record, I think you've chosen a poor time to be "annoyingly" pedantic.

[drwex]

I understand that you see it as pedantic and I'm sorry I didn't take the time to phrase it better. But it is a matter of identity and serious concern. I was not just trying to score points, but rather pointing out something that is, for me, along the lines of someone saying "that's so gay." I'd be happy to discuss in more detail with you offline.