what he would have specified...

[chhotii]

Some of this is about what he would have wanted. Some of this he wouldn't have been picky about, but it's what I wish, and compatible with what he would have wished.

1) There should be NO OPEN CASKET. I'm unclear on the gory details. That there are gory details to be unclear about means that Rich is not, uh, looking his best these days. I know that morticians, to accommodate the bizarre wishes of many families to have an open casket, have become quite the artists with the makeup etc. to basically build a manikin of the person around the remains. IMHO the results always look creepy. I don't anticipate any argument from his family on this; there were no open caskets for Juliet and Susan, although perhaps the argument there was that even greater miracles would be required from the mortician.

2) CREMATION. I'm not sure that we had any serious in-depth discussion on this point. But Rich did not believe that his self would be tied in any way to his body after death, and thus was not picky on this issue. I think he would have gone for this as being the practical and convenient for the family choice. This is my preference, and clearly his family will have no issue with that-- both Juliet and Susan were cremated.

3) DO NOT HAVE THE MEMORIAL SERVICE IN THE CATHOLIC CHURCH. (Or any other church.) Sure, Rich's family was ethnically Catholic, but he had serious philosophical disagreements with the Catholic church. I don't care how cool the new pope is; not enough movement, fast enough. Susan's funeral was in the Church, and Rich was just appalled.
This might be an issue.
OK, if the family really, really, really fights me on this, then maybe, just maybe, we could do it in the B.C. High chapel, IF (some big serious important if's here) the priest is some super-open-minded liberal Jesuit who's OK with all kinds of weird music at the service, if he swears, absolutely, that the service will be All About Rich, not about Jesus. I'm not sure if even a Jesuit can shut up about Jesus, though.
Hmmm.
Is there some weird, secular, temple-like setting were one might have a funeral, without Jesus, but enough of a spiritual vibe that his family is fooled into thinking he had religion? Who runs the service in such a setting-- the funeral director? (Lucky me, I haven't attended a whole lot of funerals in my life.)

4) Somebody should spread his ashes on the Playa during Burning Man, I guess. I think he would like that best. Although, he didn't really care that much. Nor do I. And his family would probably have a cow about this. Well, if it's so important, I guess Matt can keep his brother in a box on the mantle, or whatever, if it's so important to him. (But, somebody does need to hang both Rich's and Juliet's pictures in The Temple, at least. Volunteers?)

5) I think a bunch of people can each say a few words at the memorial service. Walter can talk about how important music was to Rich; Matt, about how strong Rich was; Phil could tell some hilarious story involving elevators at MIT or something. Somebody, Mish maybe, could talk about the new, Burning-Man Rich.

6) Given how important music was in Rich's life, and how talented his family and friends are, there should be some diverse, live music at the memorial service. The offerings could be kind if weird for a memorial service, but off-beat would be fitting for Rich.

So... I have never organized such a thing before. Juliet's father organized Juliet's memorial service primarily. Matt was probably involved in organizing the stuff for their mother, but it turned out to be cookie-cutter Catholic service (bletch). Once we have a funeral home, we have a funeral director? And they will coordinate with anyone who has a part to contribute to the service? I guess? Hmm, maybe the funeral home in Wilmington is too square to pull this off. Any recommendations? Some place in artistic Somerville?

Comments

[tb]

Will be happy to talk to you more about this stuff in person, but for the record you can have any reputable funeral home do just the cremation and set up a memorial service separately. There can be multiple memorial services if the family really wants a Catholic one.

The MIT chapel might be a good place to ask about services. I think they fit the niche of spiritual but not specifically religious.

[persis.livejournal.com]

The MIT chapel is a lovely idea, but it does have space limitations (seats less than 100, IIRC, with standing room for not many more), and I think it would be overwhelmed. Unitarian churches seem to be very open to a variety of types of memorials.

Then there's the reception after, which may also include music and such as well as food and drink. Look for a large hall; churches will let you use their halls if you have the service in their church, places like the masons or an am vet hall will need a member to do the renting. I talked to a lot of places when my mum died two summers ago, and ended up using the house she owned as it was suitable and he first flor was empty. This may totally not be possible for you.

And then there's food; catered or potluck. What to drink, alcoholic or not, open bar or cash... How long? (Mum's went from a 1 pm I think start, with us starting cleaning up around 6 pm.)

Let me know if you need/want help. There are certainly enough of us organizing types in these communities to take some of the burden off you and Rich's family if you want.

[surrealestate.livejournal.com]

All of this, yes. I think a very large space is needed as a LOT of people will want to come. For music, if it's possible to have the space for it, I think an open jam would be right up his alley (unless things have changed significantly). And it would be a matter of figuring out who are the right few people to take charge of that.

Definitely post about the help you want/need and if there should be a collection taken up to cover costs.

[chhotii.livejournal.com]

I do want help, thank you. It would be so easy to talk to a priest say "do a funeral mass, here's the list of family members who can eulogize" but that would be so wrong for Rich. I am talking (or planning to try to talk) to folks who could say a few words about Rich, tell a funny story about him, or play some music. I need a point person whom they could all sign up with, and who would draw up the order of, uh, whatever. So that there is a somewhat organized plan for what happens at the memorial service. I think it will be somewhat self-organizing, but not totally. And I don't want to be totally in charge. The thought of that makes me feel weird, because we had been drifting apart at nearly light-speed. I think this can just grow out of the communities that Rich was involved in, but I think I need to be a seed crystal. (Just because... who else would be? There are people taking charge of pieces of all this, but they seem to be all defering to me, I think.)

Do you want to be that point person, and type up the order of, um, stuff? (Or does another of "us organizing types" want to?)

There are people who were closer to Rich who have asked to help out. Such as Craig. But I think he's the quiet type who would be less happy on the telephone, and some of this needs to be on the phone.

[persis.livejournal.com]

So, I made a reply to this, not realizing I was not logged in... *sigh*

I would be happy to be your point person on this. And I agree that a church mass would just not be right; it is a rare priest or minister who truly knows the person he is eulogizing, and since Rich was part of his church, I think it would be totally inappropriate. Involving lots of people tends to make for very memorable memorials/funerals/celebrations of life.

Perhaps because I am somewhat removed, I can work with you, Craig, and others, to make sure his family, the different communities, and other parts of Rich's life are included. I can certainly do phone and organizing, and making sure there's the sound gear necessary, slide show, whatever we decide to include.

I know you are talking to Matt today, but what time frame are you thinking of? If you can get the Somerville Armory, a reception could be in the same location.

Sending you strength and fortitude, and lots of love and hugs to both you and Sophia.

[chhotii.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Persis.

Well, I would like it to be soon. I might be constrained by availability of the Armory or other venues. I have not gotten word on that.

Re: sound gear: Rich owns absurd piles of sound gear. He also has lots of musically clueful friends who could look at the sound gear and figure out what's what and put it together. We just need to make sure that whoever we delegate this to (his brother? Walter? Paul E.?) doesn't flake out.

I don't know if I want to do the reception in the Armory or at the house. There are advantages and disadvantages of each. Since we do have the house, if the Armory is available for the service but not the reception as well, we could be OK with that.