meta-post: I'm processing, not whining

[chhotii]

Really, judged objectively, I have a better life-- I am much luckier-- than 96% of the world's population. (Give or take a couple of percentage points, probably. We don't know enough about everyone's life to figure it out exactly.) I am financially comfortable; I am blessed with the love of a beautiful, healthy, creative, intelligent daughter; I have finally found a few people who understand me enough to talk to me at all. There are imperfections in my work situation, but in the end, the positives are so strong that at this point I don't even want a different job. I fret a lot about the bone density thing, but this isn't anything that is causing me a problem right now; I'm just trying to head off trouble a couple of decades down the road.

What winds up in my LJ, though, is rarely an overall assessment of my life. What shows up here is whatever is weighing on my mind at the moment. I'm always trying to make what is already 75% great into something 99% great, and that last 1/4 of the problem is haaarrrrrd.

So, for example, if I complain that I'm worried about Sophia's music education, physical education, foreign language progress, and the fact that she's not sticking to the math curriculum at school, I'm not forgetting the fact that Sophia reads and writes well. That glass is at least half full. I'm just focusing on the areas that need improvement. I think, in the far future, Sophia will appreciate the fact that I tried to get her started in music, math, sports, and languages, rather than just saying "oh, she can read, so I don't need to worry about her progress." I feel like with her gifts come a responsibility to make the most of them.

Likewise, when I complain about certain aspects of my job, it's in the context of trying to make the most of the opportunities that this job brings me.

I usually post to LJ when I'm not being productive and engaged in my life-- because if I were, I would be too darn busy to do LJ-- and when I'm not productive and engaged, it's because some issue is standing in my way and thwarting me. So of course the discussion I write up is mostly usually about whatever bullshit is thwarting me. I think that there is a useful problem-solving utility in just airing out the problem, just typing it up and trying to explain it. It's like therapy, or life coaching, which a lot of people find invaluable to keep from getting stuck in their lives. (But with usually a lot less useful feedback. Hey, you get what you pay for.)

Airing out my problems-to-solve list does sound a lot like whining. This has made me reluctant to post much: I don't want to sound like one of those annoying people who constantly whine about everything.

How should I make clear the distinction between whining and airing-out phase of problem-solving in what I post to LJ?

Comments

[dpolicar]

For my own part, when I worry about coming across as whining in my LJ posts (which is often), it's usually in the context of not being perceived as tedious. In which case I counter by making my whining entertaining (or trying to, anyway).

Sometimes it's in the context of not wanting to offend people who have it worse by being perceived as attempting a status-grab. In which case I counter by talking about all the ways I'm really quite incredibly fortunate.

Sometimes it's in the context of being afraid people will think less of me. In which case I mostly don't post.

There are other contexts, and other responses.

Which is to say, a lot depends on how I model my audience.

So, in your position, I would start by asking myself who I think I'm talking to, and what I think they are likely to take away from it.

[rmd.livejournal.com]

it's your lj. post what you want.
if it helps to say "i'm whining in this post!" or "i'm just pondering stuff here", then do it. but post what you want to post and to heck with the audience.

[hammercock.livejournal.com]

IAWTC.

[achinhibitor.livejournal.com]

IMHO, it becomes "whining" when the explicit or implicit premise is that the problem needs to be fixed by someone else correcting what they do. E.g., "a whiny liberal/conservative is one who blames conservatives/liberals for all of the country's problems".

I feel like with her gifts come a responsibility to make the most of them.

Be careful not to over-pressure her though. Kids who have been ridden eventually figure out how to opt out. (My father was a professor at a high-quality liberal arts college, and he noted that the second-highest dropout rate was second semester, senior year. The kids figured out that they could give their parents a fuck-you that was irrevocable.)

[chhotii.livejournal.com]

Hmm. Interesting proposed definition of whining. I shall have to ponder that.

Re: pressure: yeah, I know. It's a delicate balance I'm trying to aim for, neither "over-pressuring" nor letting things slide.

Fortunately, she finds the math facts sheets I give her fun! So at least on the math thing, I'm managing to edge her along in the right direction without too much pressure.

[chhotii.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure about the definition of whining. Intuitively it seems like it should be correct. Because whining grows out of what children do, when they want the parent to do something, and use that whiny vocal register to make sure it breaks through your concentration.

But what about when I say "now I have to clean out the car in the rain"? I'm sure I'm whining. I was quite displeased about it. But there was no element of problem-solving in stating the fact; I was just complaining about it. And I didn't think it was anyone else's role to fix the problem. I mean, it's not like I gave Rich a chance to see the post and go clean out the car for me before I went out and did it myself; honestly, I'm not that passive-aggressive about how I assign household tasks. :) And nobody else can make it stop raining, or do anything else equally magical. I was just... venting, I guess.

Is venting distinct from whining? Is it equally irritating? I don't know; I don't read enough annoying people on-line to have figured out what is and is not annoying.

[achinhibitor.livejournal.com]

I don't read enough annoying people on-line to have figured out what is and is not annoying.

There's wisdom there.

[klingonlandlady.livejournal.com]

If she's not digging the math classes at school, maybe some fun projects that eventually just happen to need math to complete? Like building something, an art project, carpentry, etc... I always connected with math better when there was a clear reason in the real world for doing it.